5 Things I Wish I Knew Starting My Child's Mental Health Journey

I am not a mental health professional; I'm just a mom who has watched her child struggle.  There was a time that felt so hopeless.  School officials, family members, friends, all telling me "You need to get him in therapy," "You need to get him evaluated," "He needs support," telling me to cut things out of his diet, and a variety of other advice.  Much of it was probably good advice, some of it wasn't, but all of it was just too much.  I was struggling and couldn't find a starting point.  I spent hours and hours scouring the internet, calling doctors and therapists, reading, and listening to podcasts.  I'd find a resource or therapist that would give me hope - only to hit a roadblock.  The resources people gave me weren't relevant to my kid, I couldn't afford them, or the wait lists were months and months long.   

I needed to do something.  Right then.  My son was hurting, and my heart was breaking watching it.  

My son is in a really good place now. He is happy and making progress every day!  (I'm SO proud of him!) In three years, we went from a very dark place where his school enrollment wasn't even possible, to struggling through a year of homeschool, to him choosing to attend a new school and loving it. But that first year of limbo, with no progress and hitting those roadblocks over and over again, was so challenging.  

I've talked to many other parents experiencing feelings of hopelessness.  In those conversations, I realized that I had learned some lessons that could help other parents feel more in control and potentially help their children get support faster. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.  

Here are five things that I wish I'd been told when we first started our journey to find mental health support for my son.  

1. Get yourself a therapist.

I'd prioritize this over EVERYTHING else. 

My son has an absolutely fabulous therapist that he's been working with for over 2 years, and it took a year of searching and trying other ones to find her. Still, a lot of the work he's done to make progress was guided by me (with support and coaching from her).  I wish I'd had someone to talk to and to start coaching me from the time we started having any struggles.

Finding a therapist for adults is not as difficult as finding one for a child. In-person is best in many ways, but virtual is easier to commit to for many people.  This is the time to go with easy for anything you can! Once I decided to find a virtual therapist, I had weekly appointments starting within days.  

2. Keep a journal.  

A journal in which you write out your thoughts and feelings can be helpful, but that's not the kind of journal I'm talking about here. 

A Behavior Journal can help you in so many ways in supporting your child! It can help you see patterns, and when you do get support from a mental health professional, that data will be invaluable for them as they get to know your child.  It can include things like:

• What did you do that day?  

• Did they have a test at school?

• How did you and your child sleep?  

• How was your child's mood throughout the day?  How was yours?

• What behaviors did they have?  

• Did you get notes from school?  

• Did they take medication?  What time? 

• What did they eat?

3. Go low demand.

This one is hard.  Really hard.  It can be isolating; people will not understand.  But cancel any commitment you can.  Let things slide that can slide.  Maybe this is just for your child, maybe it's the whole family.  For example:

• Embrace the floor-drobe to make laundry easier (A neat "pile" of clothes that you can't find the energy to hang. This is a constant in my house).  

• Take a break from attending in-person events (like church) for a while.  

• Don't offer to bring cookies for the class party or get-together.  

• Don't sign up to volunteer.  

Figure out the non-negotiables, and let everything else go.  Once everyone in your home is in a better place, you can slowly start adding back the things most important to you.  

4. Pick one tool to work on at a time.

This is a lifetime marathon, not a sprint.  If you try to make everything better all at once, you're going to burn out, and it could potentially make things worse. 

You will probably get a lot of advice. You'll see a lot of tools and techniques in books, podcasts, etc, and wonder if it can work. Don't try everything at once, even if they all seem fabulous.  If you read a book that's full of gold, pick one thing to implement for a month.  If it seems to help, keep doing it until it's just standard in your home, and THEN add another technique or support.  

5. If help is offered - accept it.  And it's okay to ask for it too.

This one was hard for me.  I don't like waving the white flag.  And maybe you don't have many people offering to help.  But keep a few things in mind so that if someone DOES offer, you know what you need.  For example:

• If Mondays are hard, you could ask if someone could bring dinner over on Mondays.  

• If you can't take your messy kitchen, you could ask if they could help you get caught up (and maybe you could embrace paper plates for a time).  

• Maybe you need something for work or school, and taking your kid to the store with you makes you want to cry...let someone help you get it.  

Some of these things that seem like huge tasks to you might seem so small and "doable" to someone who isn't facing these types of challenges.  

If you are looking for a resource that introduces you to tools, explains key terminology, and provides an overview of the neurological aspects of mental health, I highly recommend Robyn Gobbel's Start Here Podcast.  

To me, "Mental Health" always seemed like a fuzzy concept - like just changing how you think and working on breathing will make everything better… that's all I knew.  I love how Robyn Gobbel takes those concepts that were so fuzzy to me and explains the physical things happening in your body that affect your Mental Health.  

It has 10 episodes curated from her various series, presented in a logical order for easy understanding:  

• Ep. 1 - Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior

• Ep. 2 - Felt Safety - What's the Big Deal?

• Ep. 3- No Behavior is Maladaptive

• Ep. 4- Connection or Protection? The Science of Opposition

• Ep. 5- Your Child Wants Connection- Promise

• Ep. 6- What's Regulation Got to Do With It?

• Ep. 7- What Does Co-Regulation Look Like?

• Ep. 8 - But What About a Consequence?

• Ep. 9- Self-Compassion Keeps You Regulated

• Ep. 10- Parents Need Co-Regulation, Too!

I want to acknowledge how challenging the journey of seeking mental health support for your child can be. It often feels isolating, but please remember, you are not alone and every step you take reflects your deep love for your child.

This journey can be overwhelming, and it's okay to seek help. 

I'll say that one more time for the people in the back - IT'S okay TO SEEK HELP!

Progress may come slowly, and what works for one family may not for another. Finding your path takes time. 

If you're feeling hopeless, hold onto the belief that brighter days are ahead. Your child's happiness, and your own, are worth the effort. Keep moving forward, you and your child can grow stronger and more connected.